"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
