She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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