I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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