fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
