Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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