if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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