either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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