Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
