Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
