I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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