Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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