My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Congratulations! We have a period
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
