If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
