he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
