I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just pee around me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
