Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
