Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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