Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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