she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
