Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
