i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
