theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
