Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
