You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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