I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
