if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
