bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
