ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
