...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize