...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
