im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
