Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
