I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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