I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
