If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
