So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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