i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
