bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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