Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
