I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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