OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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