Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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