Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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