Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
