the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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