I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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