dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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