my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
