seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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