You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
