She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
