So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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