My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
