My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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