U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize