the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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