Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
